Conversation chocolates and wanker hats

As a Christmas gift, I got a box of Green & Black’s Conversations
chocolates. The writing on the box proclaims “CHOCOLATE THAT REALLY GETS YOU TALKING” and promises “inspiration for fun conversations and enthusiastic debates”.

These are dinner party conversation enabling chocolates. Consider that for a moment. Golly gosheroo. Dinner party conversation.

Inside the box are individually wrapped squares of Green & Black’s dark, milk, white, and butterscotch chocolate. The outer paper wrapping of the square has question fragments in a font mashup word cloud style. Once unwrapped, the inside of the paper wrapping has a question considered suitable for starting dinner party conversation. Indeed, the inside of the box lid says “open up each delicate chocolate square to reveal a different question; random, unpredictable, revealing, hilarious, even controversial…”

Let’s look at, and answer some of those questions! I’m going to answer each question three times, with the aid of two “wanker hats” – the deliberately contrarian wanker hat; and the try-hard status wanker hat.

I’ll answer as myself in my own (de facto, factory setting) personality in regular type, wearing the contrarian wanker hat in bold type, and as the the trying hard to impress status wanker in italic type. Let’s go!


What’s your favourite cuisine?

I dunno, I like Spanish food a lot, and I’ve always liked Punjabi food, and I like Greek and Turkish food.
Council teas. You know, chicken nuggets and potato waffles and beans.
I’m really inspired at the moment by the cuisine of the northern Caucasus.I’ve been trying to blend the perfect adjika.


If you could inhabit the world of a film, which one would it be?

Maybe a Studio Ghibli film, because they seem like my sort of make believe world. I’d say My Neighbor Totoro as an idealised reality, and Spirited Away for the make believe of my childhood. Or maybe the 1980s New York of Desperately Seeking Susan.
A Serbian Film.
Maybe a Studio Ghibli film, because they seem like my sort of make believe world. I’d say My Neighbour Totoro as an idealised reality, and Spirited Away for the make believe of my childhood. Or maybe the 1980s New York from Desperately Seeking Susan. (OMG, I am soooo busted!)


What’s your favourite season?

Spring.
Arsenal’s unbeaten one.
Hahaha, actually, there’s a film called Ma saison préférée, My Favourite Season, with Catherine Deneuve and Daniel Auteuil.


What’s your favourite simple pleasure?

Eating, sleeping, shitting.
Shitting. (heh, stole the wind out of Contrarian Wanker’s sails)
Oh, gosh, kneading bread with my bare hands. Or watching my children playing in the sand on a blue-flag beach.


Where is your favourite place in the world and why?

The Northwest Highlands of Scotland. I love the individuality of the mountains that rise up out of the landscape there; Slioch, An Teallach, Stac Pollaidh, Suilven, Quinag, Foinaven. The coastline is beautiful, rocky cliffs, little islands, sandy beaches.
I’ve got two answers. Answer one. Airdrie. Because the whole fucking concept of favourite places is bourgeois. Answer two. My clitoris/penis (delete according to the bodily sex of Contrarian Wanker) because it’s mine and it’s a rude answer and I bet you didn’t think of a clever rude answer like this, so ha ha ha. Call me Brendan O’Nihilist and pay me in the morning.
Oh, maybe the wooded canyon of Asbyrgi in Iceland, or the amaaazing fortified hill villages of Svaneti in Georgia, oh gosh, it’s like Middle Earth or something from Game of Thrones. Or the Northwest Highlands of Scotland. I love the individuality of (oh shit it’s happening again)


What’s the first thing you would buy if you won the lottery?

Some really good shoes. And the best Rallytravel package to Rallye Sardegna or Neste Oil Rally Finland. And I’d help sponsor some rally drivers. Then I’d do some do-gooding.
Porn and drugs.
A whole jamon iberico. And some do-gooding.


What can’t you say no to?

I have a bit of a problem with chocolate biscuits, but there’s nothing that I definitely can’t say no to.
Dinner parties, evidently.
Any invitation to go on holiday. Especially somewhere warm, or somewhere off the beaten track!


What is your favourite ice cream?

I like Kelly’s Clotted Cream ice cream. It’s hell of a creamy.
Mr Whippy
Something with toasted macadamia nuts and cocoa nibs. Of course it would be“dished up in glass bowls as the sun beats down and the children splash about on blue-flag beaches.”


Only a fool will have failed to notice that the so called neutral, de facto, factory issue “me” personality contains big chunks of the Contrarian Wanker and the Try-Hard Wanker. Or vice versa. You can’t be surprised. I’m not. A hat can only do so much, you know.